Baptist Distinctives?

November 2nd, 2006 | Posted in » Baptist Issues, Just For Fun...

(Please realize before continuing that this post is intended in good fun… we need to laugh at ourselves on occasion! Know that I appreciate Rev. Harrell’s heart for seeing people come to Christ, and I applaud him for the successful ministry he leads and would like to encourage him to keep moving as God leads in shepherding his church. If what I’ve read in the Christian Index is accurate, it’s probably very true that I would not agree with him in regard to worship styles or what our Baptist churches should look like… but I do recognize the need for Baptist churches of all flavors to reach a world of diverse people!)

There must be something distinctive about us or we will lose our identity.

– Bill Harrell, in the Christian Index    

In honor of Rev. Harrell (chairman of the SBC Executive Committee), I present to you a suggested list of distinctives that I recommend for all SBC churches. It is my hope that by adopting these characteristics, all SBC churches will be clearly identified for what they are. Perhaps these can be added to the next revision of the Baptist Faith and Message.

1. All SBC churches must be clearly identified by including the word “Baptist” in their church name. It is highly recommended that your town name be included as well. First Baptist of Your Town should always be a church’s first option. Second, Third, Fourth Baptist, etc., are also acceptable. Should your list reach Seventh Baptist, you’re probably better off using the alternate approved church naming method… including the street on which your church is located in the name. (Don’t be afraid to be creative!)

2. SBC churches are permitted to use a variety of architectural styles in the design of their buildings. (Stained glass is NOT an optional feature.)

3. All SBC ministers must wear appropriate attire while in the pulpit. Suits and ties must be worn! (Acceptable colors are black, brown, navy blue, and grey.)

4. SBC churches are allowed to select whatever music they deem appropriate for their services, provided that such music is found in the Baptist Hymnal and is played by an organ and piano. Drums and guitars are specifically prohibited (the use of such could encourage such unsavory behavior as raised hands and dancing!).

5. Every SBC church must have a choir. Choirs should be appropriate dressed in colorful ankle-length robes. (We’re not sure how, but we’re certain the attire helps with the singing.)

6. SBC churches must celebrate Easter and Christmas with broadway-style musical productions. (We like to call them “cantatas”. We’re not 100% certain we know what that word means though.)

7. Every SBC church must have a sign capable of displaying humorous sayings. Appropriate slogans include such classics as, “Don’t worry, Moses was a basketcase too!”, “Avoid truth decay”, “Seven days without prayer makes one weak”, “Soul food served here”, “What vitamins do Christians need? 2 B1 daily.”, “God answers knee-mail”, “Come on in, we have prayer conditioning!”, “Sign broken, message inside”, etc. (Anything found on crummychurchsigns.com will work great!)

8. SBC churches must be inexorably linked to the Republican party. (It is a sin to be a Democrat. Seriously.)

9. All SBC ministers must learn the appropriate pronunciation of “God”. (Two-syllables are required!)

10. All SBC church functions must be accompanied by a potluck dinner (featuring twenty-three varieties of fried chicken).

11. Messages preached from the pulpit must have at least three points (always alliterated or rhymed… think Dr. Suess).

12. It is essential for pastors to know that invitationals are NOT optional. Pastors should never hesitate to extend it by asking the organist to play the first verse of “Just As I Am” again. And again. And again. (“I Surrender All” also works well.)

Any other suggestions for our “distinctives”? (Please play nice!)